Part 13. Ok folks! Lets take it away!


“Step into Christmas!” said Joe, opening the stable doors.

“Oh!” exclaimed Mary “Those drugs are amazing! I’m walking on the air! Lets have some misletoe and wine!”

“Thats what got her in this in the first place” sniggered Craig.

“Sore point, mate” said Joe, wind taken out of his sails.

“Oh I wish it could be Christmas every day!” said Darren.

The baby started crying. Mary, tired, leaking from every orifice, and in need of a shower says to him “you better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout i’m telling you why”.

Everyone was surprised when Baby Jesus shouted “It’s CHRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSTMASSSSSSS!”. How advanced!

And so the narrator looks down on the scene fondly. The newborn wont sleep tonight. And says to all a merry Christmas and goodnight and…”Tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you”.

December 24, 2011. The Only Way is Nazareth. 1 comment.

Part 12. The final push.

Joe, Marcus, Philip, Steve, Darren and Craig were anxiously waiting outside the stable. Well, Joe was anxious, the others were finding it all a bit exciting! Like christmas! Joe was pacing about, with a cuban cigar (rolled on the thighs of one of Marys fellow virgins – she is part of a girl group. Some would call it a gang) waiting for the news of the birth of his step child.

“There are some weird  noises coming from that shed, Darren. Sort of like moo-ing”. said Phil.

“It’s the cows, Phil” said Darren. “It’s a stable”.

All of a sudden the Angel Gabriel appeared again (he doubled up as a midwife). “Mary has popped! Going to put it on facebook?”.

December 24, 2011. The Only Way is Nazareth. Leave a comment.

Part 11. And so this is Christmas. And what have we done?! (thinks a panicked Joe)

Joe did a sort of side shuffle into the stable, with a fake smile on his face and ever so gently lay down their bags…Oh God (Mary’s babys father), is she going to kick off…?

“Not too shabby for Mary”, said Mary. Joe sighed a sigh of relief. Thank God (Marys babys father). Maybe it is a surge of hormones kicking in, making her all mellow and nice. Or maybe that whiskey I slipped in to her decaf coffee really has done the trick.

Mary and Joe settled down and started to discuss baby names. So far in the running were Tulisa for a girl and Justin for a boy (they just got a vibe).

December 23, 2011. The Only Way is Nazareth. Leave a comment.

Part 10. Baby it’s cold outside

Mary couldn’t face the thought of staying at Joe’s parents so on the way they used Joe’s Iphone to look up a hotel, but when they got to Bethlehem their hotel booking had been taken! Parents of teenage girls fuelled with Bieber fever had outbid each other for Mary and Joe’s room! Trip advisor was going to get a strongly worded letter about this.

Mary really knows how to pick her moments. She tells Joe she is started to feel some twinges.

Joe has a meltdown. No, this can’t be happening. We have not had our final NCT class. I have not laminated the birthing plan. I have not stocked Mary up on carbs and energy drinks. I have not finalised the birthing music!

December 23, 2011. The Only Way is Nazareth. Leave a comment.

Part 9. A child prodigy…

“Look for a star, look for a star the napkin said….a child prodigy is on his way…” said Marcus

“A child…a prodigy…It must be Justin Beiber! Come on Marcus! Run! Run like the wind!” said Darren

“Ride the sheep! Ride the sheep!” yelled Marcus

December 20, 2011. The Only Way is Nazareth. 2 comments.

Part 8. A message from God

Angel Gabby was getting really annoyed. First trudging over to Mary. Then the-so-called-Wise men. Didn’t anyone own a smart phone?! Thats not so chuffing wise, is it? Sending a group email or text would be so much easier. Angel Gabby was going to miss the Downton Abbey Christmas special at this rate. Didn’t anyone ever think about him?! Whatevs. I’ll woft by the shepherds and just scribble down what they need to do on a napkin and let it float down, he thought.

“Whats this, Darren?” said Marcus. ” Wow! Floating paper! A message from God!”.

Seriously?! Said the Angel. God even gets the credit for THAT?!

December 20, 2011. The Only Way is Nazareth. Leave a comment.

Part 7. Wise man sing, only fools russian

As Mary was jogging about on the donkey across the land, three wise men was sat around, chewing the crud, being manly, singing Elvis’ “Fools Rush In” when the Angel appeared again. Wolf whistling to get their attention the Angel said “Oi! Fella’s! Wagwan? There is a godly bun in a virgin oven and you need to get over to Bethlehem to check it out. Bring gifts. Gift list is at John Lewis. I would be quick, cos the cheaper stuff is rapidly running out. Word”.

“What was in that brew, Steve?” Asked Philip.

December 19, 2011. The Only Way is Nazareth. Leave a comment.

Part 6. Joe is not the Ass Master he claims to be.

First a sledge? Then this? Joe was as much of an ass as that donkey was if he seriously thought Mary was going to ride it all the way to Bethlehem. Jog about on it all the way across the land? With her weak pelvic floor? And with her chest unsupported in a underwire-less bra? She hadn’t seen her feet in months, how did he expect her to even get on the thing? Nope, no way. Not with this belly and these new shoes. I think her exact words to him were “Pimp my ride”.

December 15, 2011. The Only Way is Nazareth. Leave a comment.

Part 5. HAUL ASS!!!!!!!!!!

The sledge idea didn’t work. Turns out Joe is the Nick Knowles of the DIY team – he is just a pretty face and a fine body. So, desperate to get to the twiglets *cough* he means, get his wife to Yonder Holy Land of Holy Yonder…he steals a donkey. Getting SHOT AT by the farmer was a bit much he thought. In a desperate attempt to haul ass, he pulled a hammy. He might need to borrow Mary’s wheat bag.

December 13, 2011. The Only Way is Nazareth. Leave a comment.

Part 4. If I had a hammer…

Right. Joe had to get Mary to his parents place in Bethlehem. She’s spent all their money on taxis and sweets (he had found the taxi reciepts and wrappers stuffed down the side of the sofa along with the dvd Stepmom and a load of snotty tissues). Joe was just a humble carpenter…so he would make her a sledge. And haul her fat body all the way to Bethlehem. He hoped to God (Marys babies father) his parents had plenty of beer waiting. And twiglets. Joe did a mental high five about the twiglets.

December 12, 2011. Tags: . The Only Way is Nazareth. Leave a comment.

Part 3. Lemsip is a drug not to be underestimated

Mary was festering in the lounge with a summer cold. All of a sudden an Angel appeared in front of her… Weird. She knew she should have heeded the packet advice and not had 2 lemsips within an hour.

The Angel told Mary she had to go and see Joe’s family in Bethlehem. “Jesus!” thought Mary. “That is all I need”. The Angel looked at the notes she had scribbled on her heavenly hands and also said they had to pay some taxis. Mary panicked. “I told Joe I walked to the shops and back! He’ll go mad!”. The Angel looked again at her notes “Sorry!” she said “sweaty hands. Taxes”.

Mary made herself feel better by deciding to lie and tell Joe the Angel told him to buy her some new shoes as well.

December 10, 2011. Tags: , , . The Only Way is Nazareth. Leave a comment.

Part 2. Today’s episode on Jeremy Vile “My Wife is pregnant…with GODS BABY!”

Joseph and Mary had a couple of rough weeks. But a theraputic spell on Jeremy Vile helped sort things out and calm things down. The Fireman with the axe shouting “DNA TEST! DNA TEST!” didn’t help matters, but being put up for free in a travel lodge in Manchester did give them some time to chat. (note to Mazza and Joe – make the most of it. I have a feeling hotel rooms make a limited appearence in this story).

December 9, 2011. Tags: , . The Only Way is Nazareth. 1 comment.

Part 1. And so it begins…

Mary had been feeling a bit peaky lately, but had put it down to celebrating Purim in style. Shocked does not even begin to describe it…WWJD? (what will Joseph do?)

December 8, 2011. Tags: , , , , . The Only Way is Nazareth. Leave a comment.