Twas the week before Christmas

Twas the week before Christmas and all through the house

Were twiglets and biscuits and bottles of Grouse.

Skinny jeans were flung aside in despair,

No way she’d fit back in them this year


The children raced round high on E numbers

Whilst mummy and daddy drank Baileys from tumblers.

Presents were shoe horned, hidden under the stairs

As stocks prices rocketed in ELC shares


What once was the John Barrowman of all Christmas trees

All camp, colour co-ordinated and “LOOK AT ME!”,

Its branches now full of toy cars and crisp crumbs

Looking like Boy George dragged through the slums


Whilst stuffing her face from the Quality Streettin

With only the rubbish strawberry chocolates left in,

She cracked open the cava (this year no champers)

And dreamed of years past and  Fortnum and Masons Christmas hampers


Christmas was held on a budget this year,

The Coalition forcing the Smiths into buying cheap beer.

David Cameron got fierce and angered the Europeans

Luckily Hannah liked her liquid imports from  Antipodeans


The selloptape was being held tight in her teeth

The children last seen struggling beneath,

The mounds of wrapping paper, tissue and ribbons. She cursed!

Oh well, she find them Christmas day if the worst came to the worst.


Twas the week before Christmas and all through the Home

Were bookshelves a full of cookery tome.

Gordon stood dusty, relegated to yonder

Heston stood proudly, the lady of the house being fonder.


She reached for a pork pie and thought of the scales

Oh who cares she said, if I am the size of a whale!

I’ll worry about it come the new year,

And rejoin Zumba with half hearted gusto and cheer.

The boys were arguing over a girls toy pram,

Hannah’s mum gave her sister’s muslim boyfriend some ham.

But this is what Christmas is all about,

And she smiled fondly upon them….and tried not to shout.

December 18, 2011. Tags: , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.